How to make your kids safe....

Here in Australia there has been a huge story on the news about a known Paedophile Dennis Ferguson being released from jail and located in a housing complex right next door to families with kids. The families are very upset, more probably because of the intense media coverage and the pressure to "do something" to protect their children. Police have had to guard this mans abode due to protests and incidents of fighting outside of his house. He is refusing to be moved and it has also raised the question of where to? Where do you put someone who is considered the lowest of criminals? There must be hundreds of them out there. They do get released, and it is into public housing that most of them go.  They have served their time and now the tax payer gets to fund their housing and provides them with funds.

I lived in government housing when I was younger and I had a small child and was very aware that around me where drug dealers, families suffering through mental and physical abuse and people just released from jail for goodness knows what. It can be very scary when you are surrounded by this kind of energy and misery (who in their right mind would do that stuff if they were happy?).

Later in life I worked as a counsellor. I was fortunate enough to work with an amazing supervisor who had 20+ years in counselling including rape and sexual abuse counselling. She did her thesis on recovered memories and was pursued by paedophilia rings to try and not have her work released and published. What she told me scared me to death. They are out there, they are teachers, priests, corner shop owners, scout leaders, neighbour, uncles, grandparents, and fathers. They could be anyone and they work together to keep their acts below the radar as much as possible. And we can't rely upon the government to weed them out, the problem is so extensive. There is no test we can give people. It's not just about the sex either, so castrating them doesn't make it stop. It's about power and domination.

So how do you make your kids safe? I was horrified to hear our very own minister for Housing and the Status of Women Tanya Plibersek on the ABC Q and A show this "To have to explain to them why it is that they shouldn't be talking to this particular next door neighbour when they're six or eight or nine years old, I think they're very difficult things to ask parents to do".   That's exactly what we should do as parents! 

We actually don't protect our children by not providing them with information that they need to protect themselves. We make them easy targets. You need to talk to your children about this very issue.  It's just as important as everything else you teach them.  You can do it in a gentle and sensitive way and one that gets the message across.  Give them options on what actions they can take.  Some of the points to discuss should include:

• Touching - what is safe touching, who is allowed to touch their bodies and who is not and what to do if someone does touch you.
• Who is allowed to touch them - Doctors, mum, dad (but only in their safe places and with their permission - make them their own boss of their own bodies).  You also need to talk to them about the fact it could be from someone they know and may even be family.
• Grooming language - Talk to them about how these people sometimes try and make them into special friends and have secrets.
• Secrets - Talk to them about what is a good secret and what is not. Also need to talk about potential threats they may be told, like "if you tell daddy, he won't love you anymore and will give you away". Tell them that this will never happen and not to believe the person.
• Action - Tell them what to do if they feel uncomfortable - scream, run away, come to a safe place (home, or person they feel safe with). Arm your kids with knowledge and action plan if it happens. 

• Love - tell them that you will love them no matter what and that this is a very important thing to remember.  It's the one thing they need to know so that they can safely tell you if something has happened already.

The statistics are frightening, one in four girls and one in six boys. However, these are based on reported cases. There are so many unreported cases so the statistics are higher.  So don't feel helpless, feel empowered, do something that does work.  I spoke to my daughter when she was 7 (as soon as I learnt what to do by my supervising counsellor).  Kids have a different mindset, they don't worry about the big things like we do.  I just let her know that this was an important issue to me that I need her to know what to do and I had her repeat things back to me.  I ran scenarios by her and she told me what she would do.  It wasn't hard at all.  I have revisited it again when she was 10 and she still remembered it all and gave it back to me (in that bored "yes mum" voice).   I saw this as a good sign.

Actually, having Dennis Ferguson next door wouldn't be such a bad thing to me, at least I would know where he is and that my daughter and son were safe because they know what he's capable of and they would steer clear of him and tell their friends too.  Its the ones you don't know about that are the issue...

Is The World as a Result of My Thinking?

Many philosophies point to the world being a result of what our unconscious and conscious mind is experiencing. How can this be? The Course In Miracles (which was written in 1977 by two Psychologists at the Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons in NY city) states that what we deny to be our true self shows up in others, both good and bad. So the person that annoys you the most is really just a reflection of what you dislike about yourself and if you accepted and integrated that part that annoys you, the other person would stop behaving that way. The Hawaiian problem solving approach Ho'oponopono also takes this approach. Carl Jung also points to the same reflection when he talks about that in a therapeutic session, half the treatment consists of the "healer" or therapist's own self examination and that that true healing can only take place if we have an ongoing relationship with our unconscious mind and a willingness to examine ourselves when faced with another's issues or behaviours. Is this true?


Well in my experience it is. If I look at all my relationships, the good and the not so good, the person is displaying a trait, behaviour or approach to life that I either agree/like (the good) or dislike about myself. It can be pretty hard to swallow but it's worth the effort.  Especially when you are in close relationship with the other person, like a child or partner.  They are our mirrors, our teachers and we their students.

Let's take an example. Last year I had a particularly difficult manager who didn't listen to his staff, threw tantrums when he didn't get his way and constantly talked himself up like he was the best thing since sliced cheese. He constantly engaged in aggressive behaviour and fought regularly with two female co-workers. I used to step in an mediate with limited success. I also use to advise him one on one on how to manage the difficult situations he was getting himself into. He seemed to listen but returned to throwing a tantrum or getting aggressive if he didn't get his way. It was like watching a 3 year old! It was also putting a lot of stress on the team, me included.

I'm guessing reading this, you too would dislike the behaviour that I am describing. We've all been told that these behaviours are unacceptable. Aggressiveness, admiring yourself, tantrums, not listening and so forth.

What did I do? I really searched inside for answers... the first question was What did I do in order to attract this boss? (He wasn't the first one of his kind either... he just amplified what I hadn't dealt with yet.) The second question was What part of me had I not accepted in order for this person to display this behaviour? First thing I discovered was that yes, all of the traits and behaviours that this person was displaying I had at one point or another done myself. Here I was pointing the finger at his bad behaviour, when I had done the same things myself. Why was I denying that? Yes!

Third question Was what did I need to learn? Was I willing learn from this and to accept myself despite not liking this behaviour? What is the problem with this behaviour? Isn't there some point in your life when behaving "badly" is actually appropriate? Sometimes it does pay to be aggressive! It tells the other person to back off! If you're in a threatening situation, then being aggressive may just get you out of it quicker and safer than submission. Talking yourself up is also a must! You can't win in a job interview or sell your services without doing so. Focusing on your bad points will not get your that job or client.

The issue with accepting our own behaviour is more about what we have been conditioned to value and not value in behaviours. All the messages we have received growing up from our family, friends and media. You know... in some countries it is very polite to burp after eating, in western society it is not. When we place a value on anything, we place a judgement... a black and white, good or bad and ultimately create an inner conflict which we then beat ourselves up with when we end up crossing over that line.

In family counselling, I have always helped people to understand that between two people there is a hidden mirroring relationship. If the image in one mirror changes then the other has to reflect that change regardless. This means that we should not look to the other person changing their behaviour, if we can look within ourselves and see what it is we need to heal and accept then the other persons behaviour will automatically change... it has to! It works every time... without fail...

So what did I do about the difficult manager? I looked within myself... I accepted that the behaviours he was displaying I also had done in my past. I accepted myself and forgave myself and him. I had compassion for him and I let his behaviour go... and he suddenly stopped behaving badly... it was like the energy within the team changed immediately and within a month he moved on from that position.

That's the last part of the puzzle... the challenging people in your life are here to show you what you haven't resolved in yourself yet... If you want more peace then you need to look for the answers within yourself...not expect the other to change... they can't!  They are reflecting back your stuff!  Get the lesson they are providing you... thank your teacher... bless them... forgive yourself for needing to be taught that lesson... love yourself (yes that is essential) and feel the peace descend upon you.