If you're a parent, you'll probably cringe at this or start getting paranoid about who's watching you in the supermarket. But as much as we all try and modify our not so good parenting in public, kids will be kids and they seem to know when to push the buttons harder because other people are in ear shot and they can get away with more.
I talk to many parents who come to me at their wits end, having tried everything and finding nothing works. While I'm happy to help and explore better ways of parenting with them, nothing works better than practice and learning within a group environment. A dreaded parenting workshop! Are they any good? Some are, some are not and some only work while your child is young enough to have punishment work on them.
In a parenting workshop you have a group of parents who are also experiencing difficulties, some just like you, some less, some more and some who are trying to get in early. Many parents come to my workshops asking how can I control my kid? What punishment works? How can I get them to stop lying to me? How to I understand them? How can I get them to listen? Why do they fight so much?
The parenting skills I teach help them deal with all of the challenges parents face and do so calmly! The advantage of a group environment is the sharing of experiences and the opportunity it provides to practice new skills. Over the course of a number of weeks, the parents evolve, as do their families and we all get to rejoice in the new found peace and harmony for some. For others, it is an ongoing challenge. The challenge is not so much the skills to practice and get accomplished at, it's the awareness of your own triggers that get in the way of being a good parent.
Our own emotional intelligence is the only thing preventing us from being fantastic communicators (and therefore amazing parents). Emotional Intelligence is awareness. Being totally aware that your emotional buttons have been pushed and having a willingness to examine, own and explore your own emotions, where they came from (your past experiences) and releasing them allows you to be fully in the present moment and able to think calmly and clearly.
What do I mean about your past being connected to your emotional triggers? Traumatic experiences in our lives set up emotional responses which can dictate how you react when similar situation occur. So when your child is angry with you and says "I hate you" and a part of you that remembers your mother saying that in a fit of rage to you and you feeling so alone and distraught because you thought she was going to leave you, that you break down and cry leaving your child shocked watching you distraught. Your child has said something in the fit of anger, but your reactions was born from your own childhood experience. It's no longer valid, but you don't even know that. All of our emotional triggers are no longer valid. They are just pre-programmed.
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to deal with your own emotional triggers rather than taking these out on your children, parents, friends or collegues. What if you could re-programme your reaction? Would you? Or are you OK with loosing it and potentially damaging your relationships with others?
Truthfully, I still lose it on rare occassions. However, I do own it, apologise and explain to the person what was going on for me. I am 100% totally responsible for my reaction. I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel totally free by doing so. I don't want to be a slave to my past and I don't want to lose my own personal power by blaming someone else for my reaction. You will not find me saying "You make be so angry", because you can't. Only I have the power to get angry and I chose to do it on my terms and understand where that anger comes from and deal with any old memories that I need to. Thankfully I have all the knowledge and know how of how I can do that. These self development tools have given me peace and happiness. They are not difficult, quite the opposite, they are easy. Anyone can do it. Anyone who is willing to examing themselves compassionately and release their old hurts, pain and emotional trauma can have the freedom to choose their future because they are no longer being dictated to by their past.
So yes, parenting can be done calmly... with a bit of work, practice and compassion.
Many of my clients have asked me to combine the parenting skills with the tools and knowledge of how to release your old emotional triggers. I would love your help and feedback on how best to do this. I have put together a 10 question survey on parenting. Please help me to put together the most comprehensive parenting training yet by completing it and giving me your input. It will help me to understand your needs more and to build a parenting course which will apeal to everyday parents looking for help and wanting to be the best parent they can be.
Click here to take survey and thank you in advance.
xx
Vanessa
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