Is The World as a Result of My Thinking?

Many philosophies point to the world being a result of what our unconscious and conscious mind is experiencing. How can this be? The Course In Miracles (which was written in 1977 by two Psychologists at the Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons in NY city) states that what we deny to be our true self shows up in others, both good and bad. So the person that annoys you the most is really just a reflection of what you dislike about yourself and if you accepted and integrated that part that annoys you, the other person would stop behaving that way. The Hawaiian problem solving approach Ho'oponopono also takes this approach. Carl Jung also points to the same reflection when he talks about that in a therapeutic session, half the treatment consists of the "healer" or therapist's own self examination and that that true healing can only take place if we have an ongoing relationship with our unconscious mind and a willingness to examine ourselves when faced with another's issues or behaviours. Is this true?


Well in my experience it is. If I look at all my relationships, the good and the not so good, the person is displaying a trait, behaviour or approach to life that I either agree/like (the good) or dislike about myself. It can be pretty hard to swallow but it's worth the effort.  Especially when you are in close relationship with the other person, like a child or partner.  They are our mirrors, our teachers and we their students.

Let's take an example. Last year I had a particularly difficult manager who didn't listen to his staff, threw tantrums when he didn't get his way and constantly talked himself up like he was the best thing since sliced cheese. He constantly engaged in aggressive behaviour and fought regularly with two female co-workers. I used to step in an mediate with limited success. I also use to advise him one on one on how to manage the difficult situations he was getting himself into. He seemed to listen but returned to throwing a tantrum or getting aggressive if he didn't get his way. It was like watching a 3 year old! It was also putting a lot of stress on the team, me included.

I'm guessing reading this, you too would dislike the behaviour that I am describing. We've all been told that these behaviours are unacceptable. Aggressiveness, admiring yourself, tantrums, not listening and so forth.

What did I do? I really searched inside for answers... the first question was What did I do in order to attract this boss? (He wasn't the first one of his kind either... he just amplified what I hadn't dealt with yet.) The second question was What part of me had I not accepted in order for this person to display this behaviour? First thing I discovered was that yes, all of the traits and behaviours that this person was displaying I had at one point or another done myself. Here I was pointing the finger at his bad behaviour, when I had done the same things myself. Why was I denying that? Yes!

Third question Was what did I need to learn? Was I willing learn from this and to accept myself despite not liking this behaviour? What is the problem with this behaviour? Isn't there some point in your life when behaving "badly" is actually appropriate? Sometimes it does pay to be aggressive! It tells the other person to back off! If you're in a threatening situation, then being aggressive may just get you out of it quicker and safer than submission. Talking yourself up is also a must! You can't win in a job interview or sell your services without doing so. Focusing on your bad points will not get your that job or client.

The issue with accepting our own behaviour is more about what we have been conditioned to value and not value in behaviours. All the messages we have received growing up from our family, friends and media. You know... in some countries it is very polite to burp after eating, in western society it is not. When we place a value on anything, we place a judgement... a black and white, good or bad and ultimately create an inner conflict which we then beat ourselves up with when we end up crossing over that line.

In family counselling, I have always helped people to understand that between two people there is a hidden mirroring relationship. If the image in one mirror changes then the other has to reflect that change regardless. This means that we should not look to the other person changing their behaviour, if we can look within ourselves and see what it is we need to heal and accept then the other persons behaviour will automatically change... it has to! It works every time... without fail...

So what did I do about the difficult manager? I looked within myself... I accepted that the behaviours he was displaying I also had done in my past. I accepted myself and forgave myself and him. I had compassion for him and I let his behaviour go... and he suddenly stopped behaving badly... it was like the energy within the team changed immediately and within a month he moved on from that position.

That's the last part of the puzzle... the challenging people in your life are here to show you what you haven't resolved in yourself yet... If you want more peace then you need to look for the answers within yourself...not expect the other to change... they can't!  They are reflecting back your stuff!  Get the lesson they are providing you... thank your teacher... bless them... forgive yourself for needing to be taught that lesson... love yourself (yes that is essential) and feel the peace descend upon you.